Piper

Closed for Business: A Statement from Piper:

Hi there. My name is Piper, and today I’d like to speak about something very personal.

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My left ear. Go ahead. Stare.

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That tiny notch? That exquisite little crescent? That, my friends, is my badge of FREEDOM. I wear my eartip the way a retired CEO wears a Rolex—subtle, expensive-looking, and stating I am no longer taking meetings.

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I am spayed, darling.

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Done. Finished. Closed for business. Retired from the kitten industry, effective immediately and retroactively forever.

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Do you have any idea what my life was like before? Any idea at all?

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Every spring arrived like a biological alarm clock I absolutely did not set. Hormones everywhere. Neighborhood toms popping out of bushes like unsolicited pop-up ads. Yowling. Posturing. Carrying on as if that was somehow charming. It was not charming, Gerald. You were never charming.

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And this eartip? Oh, this eartip announces to every cat within a four-block radius:

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She has been handled by professionals.

She has been altered.

She has been returned.

And she is not accepting applications.

It’s my Do Not Disturb sign.

My Out of Office reply.

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My formal, notarized, laminated pink slip to the entire concept of reproductive spring fever.

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The wonderful humans at Neighborhood Cats Network trapped me, and yes, I was furious at the time. I filed several formal complaints via extended yowling—but they fixed me up, gave me this designer ear notch, and released me back into my territory like the sovereign ruler I clearly am.

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Now?

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I wake up every morning. I feel the spring breeze. I hear the birds. I stretch my magnificent spine and think: Ah. This is what peace feels like.

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So Gerald… kindly take your romantic ambitions elsewhere. This facility is closed and your application has been permanently denied…